I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
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Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity