One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
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Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together