If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
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[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.