My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
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i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
lmao
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Natty or not?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos