Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
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Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.