My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
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I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.