me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
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‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
If only.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda