Bobby pin
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Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.