WTF IS THAT!
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This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?