I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
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Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.