ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
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“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.