Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
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Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Seems a bit forward
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.