*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
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Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
This is amazing.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Oh, I bet you would be
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
This dude got his own movie?
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
an airline just for babies.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.