Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
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Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
True.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
The Birdles
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥