I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
You Might Also Like
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.