Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
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WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Always.
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