Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
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normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I鈥檝e been smelling all day.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he鈥檚 that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 馃檪
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.