If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
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hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough