Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
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sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over