Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
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I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.