My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
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Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end