I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
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Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Mad Max: Furry Road
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Happy thanksgiving!
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
No way!