Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
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Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Cndnsd Mlk
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.