When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
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Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you