Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
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Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
*pokes sex life with a stick
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.