I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
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I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.