Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
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No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Me, reading some of your tweets
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar