Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
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According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.