Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
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Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Uh oh…
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
True.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?