“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
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ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
*limbos under the caution tape
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?