[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
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Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love