Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
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My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most