Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
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That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?