Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
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my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”