CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
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date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”