Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
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my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy