owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
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I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
You look like you would fail a DNA test
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
🤣🤣
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*