I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
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Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.