Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
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bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
still the best tweet of the year by far
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.