I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
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The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
giddy up Office Depot
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.