Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
You Might Also Like
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Art by Pastelkatto
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.