[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
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Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work