*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
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Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Still cracks me up
he was correct
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle