Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
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*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Are you a cat person or a person person?
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Spring cleaning checklist…
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.