I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
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I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
This might be me.
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Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Support your local cemetery
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
this could fix me