If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
You Might Also Like
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.