“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
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I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
FINE, I WON’T.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.