[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
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The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
My blood type is coffee.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.