[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
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Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
accurate
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months