This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
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Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?